Hosing the Critic
Oooh it is getting HOT here… mid 80’s this weekend… before long will be the land of 90’s and 100’s… yikes! I always end up getting WHITER in the summer here because in May and June, you simply don’t go outside during the day, it’s too hot. Now, its not like Phoenix or even Tucson, but the highest temp last year here in Patagonia was 111 degrees… which is still pretty darn hot. So I am enjoying the perfect temperature while it is still here….
This weekend was another inward one for me – as many of my weekends have been lately – just allowing myself to be alone, read, write, meditate, paint, be out in nature, or whatever I feel like doing. For once, deciding that my day will be guided by whatever brings me pleasure in the moment.
I had gotten to the point of such doing, so wrapped up in creating, being ‘productive’, ‘creating success’, etc, etc. I’ve lived my life always being ‘productive,’ and ‘doing’, fearful of laziness, self-indulgence, etc. And so it’s been interesting, actually allowing myself to even have a whole day where I’m in action, production, or creation mode, but rather living moment to moment, doing whatever pleases ME, spontaneously inspired activities, and zero planning. Could it be that I don’t have to prove anything to anyone? That I don’t have to hold myself personally responsible for saving the world?
And it’s so hard for me! That voice is always there (although it seems to be getting a bit quieter)… “What do you think you’re doing?,” “Don’t you think you should be using your time to help others?”, “What do you have to show for this day?”, “Getting a little lazy, don’t you think?”, “Why can’t you be an outrageously motivated and inspired person?”, “Don’t you have plenty of things you need to do?”, “How do you think you’re going to help the world by using all your time for yourself?”… and other such questions. I’ve realized I’ve always had this subconscious belief that I’m lagging or not doing enough, falling behind… Time to change that one.
I was reflecting today that, when friends notice that I’m pressuring myself because I think I should have accomplished more ‘by now’ or be more focused, they’ll say, “But look how young you are,”…. and my mind answers back, “That’s no excuse.”
Very interesting. Nooot quite sure about that one.
It is actually quite synchronistic (but isn’t everything) that I’m reading ‘Eat, Pray, Love‘ right now, because the first part details the author’s experience with very much of the same issues I am right now – allowing myself to experience pleasure and let go of the pressure I’ve put on myself, because I need make something of myself, doggone it. Just taking everything slow, enjoying fully whatever pleasure I’m experiencing – food, sunlight, music, and so on.
Other wonderful experiences of this weekend included a TOL Drum Circle, and Alive With Gabriel (will post the youtube video when/if it’s released), sunset walks, bike rides, and quiet visits with close friends.