I Was Taught to Hate Myself, So I Used Overeating

Learning self-love: what my parents hate about me are the things I am learning to accept and love.

When I was a kid, certain things about me were shamed, made fun of, or accused of being hurtful and maliciously motivated.

These experiences — the systematic attack and shaming of who I am — were one of the reasons I started overeating so young and numbing out with food.

Here are some examples:

-I was told I was headstrong and strong-willed, but in a way that implied I was difficult and too much. In truth, I was just an independent and decisive kid, and my parents demanded submission and meekness.

-I was told I was mean and wanted to hurt my parents’ feelings, that I was incredibly “sassy”. In reality, I was just the truth-seeker and truth-teller in my family who was able to see some of the family dysfunction and lack of ethics early on, and called them out.

-Any displays of emotional expression, particularly anger but also big expressions of fear or sadness, were shut down. I was taught my sadness meant I was pathetic and my anger revealed a horrible person. In truth, I was just reacting accurately and healthfully to the pain of the toxicity in the family (as all little kids do).

-I was shamed for liking creative activities, and told that they were dumb, pointless, and frivolous. But they were what made my heart sing, a part of who I am and how God made me.

-My sense of humor, often performative and big and loud, was met with eye rolls and annoyed sighs. I was not funny to my parents, I was too much. But the truth is, they just wanted power and superiority and wanted me to be small and feel bad about myself.

I have come to realize that many of the things I have always hated about myself or blamed myself for, are actually good things about me that my true friends and chosen family love about me.

The more I feel the anger and grief of what’s been attacked in me, the less I have used food to attack myself and cope with my intense self-judgment. And the happier I’m becoming.

Photo by Katie Sue Photography