I Thought Rejection Was My Fault

A belief that I was taught is that if a man rejects me, it's always because I’m not attractive enough.

This has been a significant component of my eating issues and body image issues.

I grew up with parents who were both hyper-focused on looks: their looks, my looks, everyone's looks.

My parents, and society, taught me the following false beliefs and damaging messages in direct and indirect ways:

-The primary thing that men want in a woman is her physical looks. Even men who say they are interested in other things, aren't really.

-If a man rejects me, it is my fault. I must not be physically attractive enough. I am to blame. I must try harder, do better, and improve.

-If I don't do everything I possibly can to be as attractive as possible, I cannot blame a man for rejecting me or wanting someone else.

-I needn't bother developing anything else within myself other than my looks, because men don't fall in love or get hard for creativity, morals, ethics, personality, or anything else.

These beliefs tied my worth to my appearance and created an obsession in me about how I look.

As early as middle school, my focus became primarily how to be more physically attractive. I stopped caring about anything else in my life or about myself. This eventually led to an eating disorder in high school.

But it also fueled my binge eating. Because the obsession with looks led to high anxiety 24/7 about all the ways I could be trying harder, doing better.

Knowing your food intake is the primary behavior that affects the only thing that gives you worth, makes food a terrifying thing.

Your relationship with food becomes fraught with terror, lust, danger, comfort. And it can fuel binge eating and overeating.

If I eat too much dessert, I won't be wanted by a man. If I have the bread, I will be alone forever. If I eat the chocolate, he will want someone else more than he wants me.

This is still a set of emotional injuries that I have and I've not worked through them. But I think that sharing is important as I know there are so many women who grow up with messages like I did.

It's heartbreaking and wrong that we were taught this, but we can heal it now. 

Photo by Click and Learn Photography via Unsplash